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TW: ALLUSIONS TO LOSS OF PREGNANCY, BIRTH, DEATH (POSSIBLE INTERPRETATIONS, INCLUDING WARNING AS THESE ARE SENSITIVE TOPICS). for all the children i may never have. (or: psalm 127:3) “here is the deepest secret nobody knows… and this is the wonder that’s keeping the stars apart.” -- e.e. cummings lucille. i knew your name as a prayer before i knew myself as having existed. you came to me in a dream – small dark hands, suckling mouth. your name is holy yet when i speak it, the tongue cannot help but fold back on itself and curse the ground, spit and flood my empty womb so there is no food, only sputum and wine. dorothy. my mother was not the type to eat her young, so she raised feral daughters. i, in turn, hold you by the soft of my mouth and do not stutter but swallow you whole. in this way, loving you was easier, my second born. with you i did not go without. john henry. you are not the first boy i’ve held in this body, just the first i dared give name to. your birth taught my body to contort to make way for ashes, to begin reincarnation, this time as something worthy. when you came i peeled the taste from my mouth and offered it as tithe but you would not have temporal bread. magnolia. the half of you has never been told and i am not fit to tell it. when you call me mother i am transported to another time and place, before the flood, before this grief slithered in, took root in my stomach and rested in my ribcage. i am filled with memories of you like sage and holy water; please do not take your spirit from me.  Ashley Ward (@ashleywroteit) is an emerging poet from Austin, Texas. Passionate about advocating for social justice, he work often centers love and equity. She has been published in various journals and is a Best of the Net 2020 nominee. You can find more of her work and publications at www.ashleywrote.com.
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